girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do

but he's a fool.

everyone tells me how i'm doing so great. "you're doing so great!" they say. "i can't believe how composed you are!" they tell me "i can't believe how calm you seem!" or "i'm so impressed you're at work!"

and then i roll my eyes and think about how the hours would stretch out before me endlessly if i chose to stay home.  how it would be the worst form of torture to be in my apartment alone with nothing but the thoughts and questions of "how the fuck did this happen?" swirling in my head, and all the memories of 9+ years with The Bolshevik Who Shall Not Be Named haunting me.  so yeah, i'll be at work.  it's the only stable thing i have.  what else would i do?

my beloved mother once told me about a time when she hurt her knee and her doctor told her she had to walk with a cane.  not because she actually needed a cane, but to signal to everyone else that she was having a physical issue and that they needed to respond accordingly, treat her with extra special care.

i live my life without canes.

you will never see me cry.  you will never see me break down hysterically wailing with sorrow. you will never see me huddled in a corner clasping onto a bottle of booze while listening to portishead. you will never see the girl behind the curtain. i will hide this from you at all costs.

i am out in the fresh air enjoying a hike?

why? i have no fucking idea why.

the other day i went on a hike with two friends. it was beautiful and picturesque and i cried to myself when they weren't looking. and afterward we had a luxurious multi-course lunch at a seaside restaurant with wine and i even ate dessert.  and they took photos and said it was the best day ever. "BDE!" they said. and as i finished a glass of port and looked out at the rocky islands out in the ocean i thought to myself that by any normal standard this really was the best day ever. but for me it was actually just an exercise in distraction. it was just something for me to do until it was time to do the next thing and then the next thing until i finally get to take a sleeping pill and go to bed.

so outwardly i am doing great. just fucking great. i do all the "right" things, just like i'm supposed to. i am eating healthy (now that i can keep food down) and i am exercising every day and i go to work and i obsessively schedule activities for every waking moment outside of work so i never have to be alone with my own thoughts. and then eventually i tucker myself out until it's a reasonable hour and i finally get to go to bed and it can all be over for a while. rinse. repeat.

until one of these day when i can actually enjoy things again.

I've reached my "ideal weight" and so can you!

Hey ladies!  Let me tell you about an awesome new fad in weight loss!  It's called the Divorce Diet! Now, just like juicing and raw foods diets, there is some prep work that you have to do ahead of time before you can get started.  But luckily no fancy equipment or specials meals need to be purchased!

First, get yourself into a long-term loving relationship with a partner you trust who you feel has the potential to be your life-long companion.

Then be with this person for many years, maybe even a decade, living together, planning out your futures together, and enjoying all the great shared moments that your entwined lives have to offer.  Allow yourself to believe you have found "the one."

If possible, pick someone emotionally stunted.  This will come in handy later.

Then, when you least expect it (if you've made a proper emotionally stunted choice in partners) this person will out of nowhere tell you that they have cheated on you and that even though it was only once they don't feel like they are "in love with you" anymore.  And the emotional work of cleaning up the mess they made is just too hard and it's easier to just end it.  There will also be some contradictions like them telling you they love you but they don't ever want to see you again, but they deeply care about you, but could you just go cry over there because it's making them a smidge uncomfortable. The more contractions the better really, because the less it makes sense, the more you will suffer.

And that is when the weight loss magic will happen!  You will feel nauseous all the time.  Then, when thinking of these nonsensical contradictions or picturing infidelities, you will feel even extra nauseous.  You won't want to eat any food, even though you love food!  It's perfect!  And when you do eat food, you most likely will vomit soon after.  You may find that things that previously brought you joy, like a nice glass of red wine with dinner, will also leave you vomiting.  For those with gag reflexes, even mundane activities like brushing your teeth or trying to swallow the sleeping pills your psychiatrist prescribed you will also lead to vomiting.

And then you can watch the pounds just melt off!

You may be asking yourself, "Self ... what happens if I run out of food in my system and my stomach is completely empty?"  Well don't worry, there's always bile!  Bile be gone!  I'm sure you don't need it anyway!

So get going girl, and reach that ideally emaciated you!

Side effects may include but are not limited to: dizziness, fainting spells, hoarseness or sore throats, coughing, frequent heartburn, reflux, anemia, anorexia, complete shut down of your immune system, and possible death.

bye bye bolshevik

let's just pretend i've been here the entire time ...

it is with great sadness and true despair that i admit to you, dear blog readers, that my beloved bolshevik is leaving me.  says he's not "in love" with me anymore.  says if he met me now he'd only want me as a "best friend."

well what the fuck does that mean?

i have resigned myself to never contact him again so i cannot ask all these burning follow-up questions that have popped into my mind since that fateful saturday when he told me he doesn't want me anymore.

what does it mean to be "in love" with someone you've been with nearly a decade?  certainly we're not in those beginning stages of mad passionate love that feels almost like being on drugs.  no.  that only lasts a few months.  are we teammates and best friends and lovers and partners in crime?  i thought so.  isn't that what long term love is?  but i guess he wants the fireworks show.

if he met me now i'd only be a "best friend" contender?  what more could he possibly be looking for? or maybe it's that he is looking for less ... someone who expects less from him, someone who is less to live up to, someone who is less successful, someone who will settle for less emotional support.  someone who is lesser than me.  someone who will be less work.

i'm fucking work now??

how do you cope when the person you love grows into someone else?  we used to make fun of the expat guys in the foreign countries ... the ones who went out to the club and picked up an "exotic local girl" who didn't speak english and god forbid they had learned her language.  no need to impress, no need for being clever, no need to put the effort in ... no need for any work.

and in china no less, where porcelain doll types will "accidentally" drop something at his feet and then bend over to retrieve it and all he needs to do is stand there.  (actual real-life example)

pathetic.

is that who he has become?  how is that possible?  how could my beloved bolshevik have turned into that type of vapid asshole?

what happened to the freaky freezy principle?