my grandfather clock was too large for the shelf so it stood 90 years on the floor

this week on Spare Room: miss dewey decimal pretends to be miss fifi and lives it up in greenpoint!

that's right, miss fifi and her man have run off to elope in south america (apparently, running off to south america is the thing to do these days) and left little old me in charge of the homefront.  yay, i'm back in my hood!

in exchange for a free awesome place to stay for two weeks, i have agreed to take care of miss fifi's kitty, CG aka curious george.  miss fifi left me about 5 pages of written instruction on kitty care, how to use the mini dish washer, list of fire exits & emergency numbers, etc.  AND she left a "gift bag" of two bottles of wine, fancy expensive conditioner, two unlimited metrocards, and a little "emergency" money.  say what?  this is a dream come true for any traveling nomad.

then when i went into the bedroom where i will be sleeping i found that she has left behind some furry handcuffs, a paddle, and some twilight-inspired candies?  um, okay.  too bad my beloved bolshevik is off in russia exploring the motherland.

so things were looking pretty sweet, right?  no dusty dust mites, i'm close to subways and buses, the wifi works well, i dvr-ed my stories on the tv, i'm back in my old stomping ground, and i'm a short walk to the Y so i can get my exercise groove on ... until 12 am hit.

needless to say i had never spent too much time in miss fifi's bedroom before ... so imagine my surprise when all of a sudden i hear a loud clanging sound outside.  what was it you ask?  it was fucking church bells!  yes, there is a church across the street and they ring their bells every hour!  how is this legal?  i want to call 311.

but, it reminds me of a funny little story ... over the summer my friend and i went to the All Points West concert in new jersey.  afterwards we stayed at a friend's parents' house .  so we are all cozy tucking ourselves into the couches in the living room when all of a sudden a loud grandfather clock starts chiming.  and it wasn't just chimes, this thing chimed a bunch of times then played a little tune.  my friend and i look at each other in horrific despair.  "you don't think it will do that every hour, do you?"  oh no, not every hour.  not to fear ... this thing chimed every fifteen minutes!  somehow i was able to pass out and ignore the clock until about 6 am when i awoke feeling rather hungover and ill-rested.  then for some reason, my ability to not hear the clock was gone and i was awoken every 15 minutes.  then when we re-convened with the friend's parents and politely laughed about the Grandfather Clock Incident, they were all "oh, we forgot about the clock.  you should've unplugged it!"

needless to say, i cannot unplug a church.  sad but true.  how the world might be a better place if i could.  tonight's mission . . . . find ear plugs.

xoxo
miss dewey d

this week on Spare Room

my friend joe k. and i have an ongoing joke in which we discuss a fictitious reality tv show that we are going to create called Spare Room.  Spare Room is based on the spare bedroom(s) in my ex-step-father's house that have been inhabited by various people over the years, all with their own drama: people keeping the heat up so high that the bills increased by hundreds of dollars, people who ordered lots of on-demand movies on the TV without paying for them, people who somehow got into my ex-step-father's netflix account and increased the number of movies he could have out at once (without telling him of course).  etc, etc.  so far my only crime was an incident with pillows in the washing machine after a dust mite paranoia freak out.  but i digress ... it would all make for such great television!

so this week on Spare Room, miss dewey decimal decides she needs a break from long island living and travels to southern brooklyn to stay with two gay men!  what crazy hijinks will happen next?

chillaxin' in the pequas (part 1)

many of you fine people may be asking yourself, "self, where is miss dewey decimal living now that she gave up her apartment?"  the answer is ... massapequa!  oh yes, home of joey buttafuoco and such great cultural hubs as the sunrise mall.  it's all been very exciting.  i ride an LIRR train with commuters and i drive a car to and from the station!  just like a real suburbanite!

needless to say, i have been trying to spend as little time in massapequa as possible.  aside from sleeping, i have yet to spend any great lengths of time in the -qua.  one of the problems is that the house is very very spooky.  have i mentioned that i'm actually quite the scaredy cat when it comes to stuff like The Dark and being alone?  well i am. it's kinda sad.

so the house where i am residing belongs to my ex-step-father (please read: a who was once married to my mother but is not actually my father).  this house used to belong to his parents, and let's just say that they weren't big on modern decor.  so room by room my step-father has been refurbishing the house, pulling up fuscia carpeting, taking down metallic (motorized!) blinds, removing wood paneling, etc. 

right now he is remodeling the kitchen.  so when you walk into the house there are huge plastic sheets covering the entranceways to the living room, dining room and kitchen in order to protect the rest of the house from dust and debris and whatnot.  these plastic sheets are CREEPY!  and since my ex-step-father doesn't live in the house full time, more often than not i am coming home to a scary empty house.

if this were a horror movie everyone would be like "no, miss dewey decimal!  don't walk near the plastic sheet!  the killer is hiding behind it and he is going to stab you and your blood will stain the brand new kitchen tiles!" 

unbeknownst to my ex-step-father, i have gotten into the habit of leaving ALL the lights on when i leave the house so that when i return (hours later) i will be less freaked out to walk around.

i have also noticed that the house makes weird noises.  not just creaking noises, noises like there are people inside, walking around noises, things moving noises.  and then the other night ... i could've sworn i heard whispering.  granted, i was supposed to watch the latest episode of Lost that night (it was The Others!), but i am pretty sure it was not "just my imagination."

this may be a long six weeks.