do androids dream of electric sheep? do autistic robots have the ability to feel sad?

earlier this week i had a moment of weakness dear blog readers. can you blame me? after being together almost ten years i deserve so much, and yet i've gotten so little.

i just want to ask questions and try to get answers. i want the great love of my life to treat me with decency and respect, as though this ten years meant something to him. as though he is remorseful and feels sadness that this didn't work out.  as though he feels regret that he never fought for us or tried to save all that we had. as though he feels a loss too.  as though he feels some sort of responsibility for my well-being. as though he has some concern for me in any way.

but i will never get these things. and now i must really stop trying. because the pain of trying, only to get nothing back, is so overwhelming awful. to be reminded that this is the new reality of a conversation with the one i used to refer to as "my beloved bolshevik" ... well that is possibly worse than the pain of never knowing why.

 - a "conversation" in text -

Friday: 12:02 PM

me:  was it weird to be on vacation in malaysia since it's where you proposed to me and we had so many adventures there?

me:  being in thailand without you felt so wrong.  and thinking about you in malaysia was fucking killing me.

me:  i was in paradise just wishing i was dead.

Monday 5:49 AM

me:  I gave you nearly 10 years of my life and you can't even write a text message. i don't know how you can just switch off everything so instantly and have such indifference to me and my wellbeing, but it is downright cruel.

Monday 8:50 AM

the bolshevik:  i'm sorry you didn't have a good time in thailand

me:  how was it being in malaysia, the place you proposed to me, without me there?

me:  because being on vacation without you was so painful.

me:  it's not that "i didn't have a good time" ...  it's that i'm fucking devastated

me:  so i was hoping you could answer my question

me:  was it hard, difficult, sad, to be in malaysia right after signing divorce papers knowing you proposed to me there? or did that not bother you. 

me:  because every single fucking thing in thailand reminded me of you. and it hurt like hell.

- end scene - 

and that my dear blog readers is all i fucking got.  and it's probably all i'll ever get. and it is destroying me.